Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You want me to do what?!”🤣

FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great

ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?

FRIEND: Sure

ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor

[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT

Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.

Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news

Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.

Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows

When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve

Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex

Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train

They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.

someone: *obvious flirt*

me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice

also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.

Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge

by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt

Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic

If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”

People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?

The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.

Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty

Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!

(Line goes dead)

If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!

Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high

me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep

After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.