Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
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Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
My 6yo showed me her Christmas gift list, so I told her it was great she’s giving Santa many options so he can choose what to get her and she said “What do you mean? It’s only 13 things I want”.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally