@jctwritesstuff

Me: *points to donut case*

Her: How many would you like, ma’am?

Me: Yes.

Me: *points to donut case*

Her: How many would you like, ma’am?

Me: Yes.

- @jctwritesstuff

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@10InchesPlus

Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.

@Manda_like_wine

When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”

@4ndBest

[Crime scene]

Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was

*takes off sunglasses*

D: blunt force trauma

@linkindrinkin

professor x: what is your superpower

me: dinosaur chicken nuggets

professor x: that is not a superpower

me: i thought you said superfood

@PoorEvelyn

Today I bought cupcakes without sprinkles.

Diets are hard.

@kalmooha

Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.

@TwoSapphiresBlu

Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?

Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.

@vikkaroni

When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.

@KKBowls

“I know what you look like naked” – me to my girlfriends identical twin sister, every single time I see her.