Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
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😩😩😩
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting