Me: *points to donut case*

Her: How many would you like, ma’am?

Me: Yes.

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DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”


[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living


for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.


therapist: one way to handle criticism is by trying to engage in a healthy dialogue to understand their thoughts

me: ok


me: [over the loud laughter of teens] and why exactly am i a poop ass


*Lowers thermostat*
*Dad puts it back*
*Lowers thermostat again*
*Dad puts it back again*

The real Cold War


No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.

Women because they’re embarrassed

Men because they’ll start laughing


not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.



When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.


Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”

*hand over my wallet*

Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”