@jctwritesstuff

Me: *points to donut case*

Her: How many would you like, ma’am?

Me: Yes.

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@TechnicallyRon

Remember at school when you would press ‘demo’ on the electric piano and pretend you were really playing it? That’s what adulthood is.

@_davidlucas_

I enjoy long walks away from co-workers who say “Hey ya gotta watch this 10 minute YouTube video”.

@UncleDuke1969

Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.

@djdarrellripley

Cop: Could I have your name?

Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.

*Send Bail Money*

@bingowings14

This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?

@KattsDogma

If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or

@JohnLyonTweets

Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.

@BK_Blonde

I can’t imagine why more guys don’t do yoga.

1. Yoga pants
2. Lots of girls
3. Lots of girls in yoga pants doing yoga moves

@mutablejoe

the idea that the “ideal beach body” just means being thin or buff is so unimaginative, surely the ideal beach body would have a powerful lobster claw, arm flaps to act as a windbreak and a sand repellent anus

@The_JRM

Dentist: Do you use your dental floss?

[cut to me tying my action figures to make them fly]

Me: Everyday.