@10InchesPlus Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
@jctwritesstuff Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
- @jctwritesstuff
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@10InchesPlus 
@Manda_like_wine When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
@4ndBest [Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
@linkindrinkin professor x: what is your superpower
me: dinosaur chicken nuggets
professor x: that is not a superpower
me: i thought you said superfood
@SaraESpivey 5 out of 6 people enjoy playing Russian Roulette.
@PoorEvelyn Today I bought cupcakes without sprinkles.
Diets are hard.
@kalmooha Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
@TwoSapphiresBlu Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
@vikkaroni When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
@KKBowls “I know what you look like naked” – me to my girlfriends identical twin sister, every single time I see her.