DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
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[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
therapist: one way to handle criticism is by trying to engage in a healthy dialogue to understand their thoughts
me: [over the loud laughter of teens] and why exactly am i a poop ass
*Dad puts it back*
*Lowers thermostat again*
*Dad puts it back again*
The real Cold War
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”