Remember at school when you would press ‘demo’ on the electric piano and pretend you were really playing it? That’s what adulthood is.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
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I enjoy long walks away from co-workers who say “Hey ya gotta watch this 10 minute YouTube video”.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
I can’t imagine why more guys don’t do yoga.
1. Yoga pants
2. Lots of girls
3. Lots of girls in yoga pants doing yoga moves
the idea that the “ideal beach body” just means being thin or buff is so unimaginative, surely the ideal beach body would have a powerful lobster claw, arm flaps to act as a windbreak and a sand repellent anus
Dentist: Do you use your dental floss?
[cut to me tying my action figures to make them fly]