Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
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[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Lmfaoooooo
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Growing up was a huge mistake
Breaking news:
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?