Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.

Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.

teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that

*takes off sunglasses*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.

if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn

My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”

I don’t know what to do

Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic

Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.

instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these

This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?

A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one

me: is this vegan friendly?

waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend

Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War

The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.

ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.

Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.

Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.

Please don’t feed the Kardashians.

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.

how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands

cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil

I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest

waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)

Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.

“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks