Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.

Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?

LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”

CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?

If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor

“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish

In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship

me: wow you must be pretty hoarse

dracula: why would I be hoarse

me: from all that coffin lmao

Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.

I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.

I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.

The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.

I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.

Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.

In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”

If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet

Right next to the beer fridge

Me: Please. Just a little longer.

Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.

A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this

(3am, my kid wakes up)

Me: *Pretends to be asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*

Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*

Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”

Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.

Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that

there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911

Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?

Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

Me: I don’t wanna

The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.

Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things

IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe

Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me

IRS: …

Me: hello?

IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail