me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
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The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
😭😭
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
The Others (2001)
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*