Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics

Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:

– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle

Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on

I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.

Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here

VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?

[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]

“Rest in peace.”

My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.

police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.

parents: arson?

police: yes, your son.

My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.

If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.

I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.

I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.

Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.

*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*

“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”

Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr

If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.

Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.

*roving gang of doctors walk past house*

*feral teacher crashes through window*

A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”

I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”

Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.

Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.

Even Forrest Gump got laid.

This is bullshit.

*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*

You up?

We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.

You can’t explain children. You just survive them.