Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

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When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”


Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.


I nod and smile at empty places just to confuse any ghosts that might be there into thinking i can see them.


local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application


WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes


I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.


What I bring to a relationship is pretty much the same stuff you can pick up at any hardware store.


Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: why, what have you heard?


A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime


A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.