Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

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Forget sex positions, has anyone found a reading position that doesn’t get uncomfortable after about 5 minutes?


*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*


Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy



Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.


[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in


The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.

Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.


Karen: Are we ok?

Me: [removes earbud] Yes.

Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”


“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”


Me: You know that prank where you put dog poop in a bag and set the persons house on fire?

Her: You mean set the bag on fire