Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
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I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Basketball games are very squeaky.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.