@doktorj

Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

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@KenJennings

DINNERTIME FOOD IDEAS FROM MY SON
“Can we put Nutella on our salmon and call it salmonella?”
This has been DINNERTIME FOOD IDEAS FROM MY SON

@Steven37366100

Wife: I think the washer went out

Me: What time will it be back?

Wife: Please get my suitcase

@Home_Halfway

I hate that I can’t go anywhere for the holidays, unlike previous years where I hated having to go somewhere for the holidays.

@thatUPSdude

Turns out if your grandmother dies more than 6 times in a year, HR will start to question your request for time off.

@dog_feelings

the human has started opening and shutting the garage door. pretending to have just gotten home. because they missed how excited that makes me

@jctwritesstuff

Me: *points to donut case*

Her: How many would you like, ma’am?

Me: Yes.

@Love_bug1016

[date]

him: I loved Captain Marvel.

me: Me too!

him: What was your favorite part?

me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling

@SocialOutcast82

Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?

Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

@NotUrplePingo

Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered