Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
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Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
#StillHurts
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.