Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.

[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth

God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.

If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot

[first day as a chiropractor]

assistant: all your patients are complaining

me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it

assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.

Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer

Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.

Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!

EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.

My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?

So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band

waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument

me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember

You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.

Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.

Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off

Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day

I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.

[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??

If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.

The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.

It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.

The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.

The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge

“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me