me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
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Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.