me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
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How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
my mind
You just read my mind
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Overheard at the grocery store:
“Oh, I need a baguette.”
“A female bag?”
“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually