me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
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Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble