DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
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AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.