Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a mechanic]

customer: can i get a quote?

me: give me liberty or give me death

customer: i meant for the truck

me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out

Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.

mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son

Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:

Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’

Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’

this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy

my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?

me: idk, want me to google it?

him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this

me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree

him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense

The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-

Two types of dogs.

*police sirens*

*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*

QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN

*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*

Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.

🐕🍷

In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.

her: u excited for the next Star Wars?

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

me: [offering joint] wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before

[driving]

Me: I don’t know where we are.

3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.

A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)

every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup

The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.

Double negatives are never not confusing.

my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx

Me: I lost 35 pounds today.

Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?

HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady

ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*

When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.

When humans do it, they lose a finger.

Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?

Foo fighters still fighting foo.

Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart

I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.

Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.

HER: i’m leaving you

HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?

HER: both

HIM: [under breath] inconceivable