Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over

Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days

Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no

“I lost my Khakis”

– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.

I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.

First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)

At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.

If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold

[texting]

Wife: Clean out your bowels.

Me: OK.

Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink

Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.

God: you have eight legs.

Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?

God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.

Spider:

God:

Spider:

God: also you have eight eyes.

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7

how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower

Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector

ME: There’s something fishy going on here.

YOU: It’s just an aquarium.

ME: Exactly.

A flock of dads is called a grill.

Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.

Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.

Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”

God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?

Is there a sale on stupidity, cause that shit is everywhere.

“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”

other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.

me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT

Buying my parents’ house.

Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…

I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.

Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?

I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice

My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.

He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.

#PayInHay
#Kerching