ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
You Might Also Like
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Personal question. #JustSaying
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
If you think my heart is cold, you should feel my feet.
New Tinder profile.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
💀😭
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.