Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime

😅😅😅

[first date]

me: are you a reader?

date: omg i love reading

me: [handing her my menu] thank god

first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller

I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.

I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning

My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.

I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.

Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!

judas: actually know what, I’m good now

Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.

a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?

no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.

*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?

People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.

Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.

How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.

But it’s not the “worst way” either…

Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.

Wife: London. He means London.

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time

Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.

First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.

There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.

V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”

Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.

You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?

Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.

I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic

Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*

Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.