Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
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As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer