me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”
– Midnight, a church friend
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.
Happy birthday to all the women
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
