me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
💀💀
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Guy behind me at the traffic lights, beeping your horn and giving me the wanker sign isn’t going to make me type this tweet any faster.
