me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
a realtor showing you an absolutely unusable space in a house: how cool is that?
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.
Me: Okay.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
