Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are

Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder

You Tolkien to me?

Hobbit de Niro.

#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are

WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid

ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me

WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-

ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.

KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?

I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.

Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M

My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?

Me: Yes!

ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”

My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one

Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!

Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*

Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution

ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip

nobody

literally nobody

my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself

To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.

Overheard on the bus:

“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”

doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady

Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.

A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.

If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”

A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.

2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.

birds: it’s peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?

Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.

*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”

Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.

I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…

1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider