me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Comparing yourself to others
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
*eating catfish*
This looks nothing like it did on the menu
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
My hips? Compulsive liars.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
