me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Y’all know who you are.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Real House Wines.
