Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
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My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel