Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
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My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Good Morning.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake