Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Basketball games are very squeaky.

You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.

Me: inside me there are two wolves

Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??

If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you

soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.

My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.

*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”

best first i’ve ever seen

Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.

It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.

[laying on top of me]

4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.

her: my parents are gone 😉

liam neeson: ok when did u see them last

I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.

husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school

15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home

I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.

My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”

If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.

Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.

Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.

*whispers*
Judged you.

Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts

Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!

<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahh

Yeah, I felt that.

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.

Tempted to eat my own leg.

Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.

I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?

As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.

Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not

The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.