Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
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If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
The three genders.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
I triple waxed for this?
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.