Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*

Him: oh yeah

[my place]

Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!

pain

Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.

Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage

You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money

“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.

Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse

Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.

Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.

IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER

Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?

I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.

I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.

Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact

“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”

SURE!

…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”

“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.

Me: My heart is full.

Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.

My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”

Three things that are certain in life~

1) Death

2) Paying taxes

3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….

*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*

•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive

*JOB INTERVIEW*

INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.

been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.

it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months

I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.

ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING

Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.

Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?

I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.