Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
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Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”