Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
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Big Sex has us all fooled
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
he chose this
