Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.

Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler

Mom: why do you drink so much

Me: *stares at mom*

Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.

HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.

Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher

My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.

H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!

*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*

I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.

[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?

Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!

Yes, I would take a bullet for you.

We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?

high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed

This is sending me to another galaxy

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

her: why is the cat so sparkly?

me: I think she looks fabulous.

her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?

me: you mean the glitter box?

[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not

*waits for a sign*

*dead bird falls from sky*

*waits for another, better sign*

It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before

Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72

It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.

If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.

This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose

It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.

[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing

A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her

Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.