Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.

rise and shine we got egg

If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.

ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust

SCIENTIST: I’m listening

ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant

[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”

*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.

6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.

Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.

6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.

January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday

Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!

guys I’m going home

My loaf of bread looks terrified

I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes

The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.

Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.

As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.

Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.

I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?

Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.

My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?

Me:

me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies

him: no spoilers

me: i assure you there are a ton

6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead

-Me after pizza

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907

Find you a girl that can lay eggs.

My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.