Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.

That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt

– first person to cook a potato

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

guy: you wanna take this outside?

me: yeah, let’s do this

[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]

Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!

Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?

How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.

Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*

Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*

The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.

Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.

My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.

Officer: Did u know your back light is out

Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage

You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.

Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?

Me: Bank robbery

Therapist: That’s not a crime

Me: I’m out of ideas

They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.

[in bed]

Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you

i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that

From the videos I’ve seen lately, I only need a few simple steps to renovate my kitchen:

Step 1. Come into a large inheritance

I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.

Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever

not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos

Siri, when does the restraining order expire?

No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.

“You need to take better care of yourself.”

– four physicians that I’ve outlived

when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice

*sees “The customer is always right” sign*

*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”

“Nope.”

“A spider? An aardvark?”

“Wrong. It’s a horse.”

“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”

Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..

*dips cookie in barbecue sauce

How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope

My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.

Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician