Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
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me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Why soy sad?
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it