Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
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Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Got fired from my job at the zoo because I kept trying to wax the turtles
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Where’s my employee discount too?
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
2022: I can fix it
how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
If at first you don’t succeed, try try again
“Sir we test parachutes here, don’t say that to people”
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Um … Hot Wings please
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.