Had a lizard walk up in front of me and start doing little push-ups
Like he’s trying to shame for not working out right now
ME: ppl call dogs “doggo” now. i guess its a meme, i dont get it
THERAPIST: this is $200/hr. do you want to talk about anything else?
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I occasionally drink every single night.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Black bears smell up to 18 miles when hunting food.
I smell my neighbor’s barbecuing ribs and invite myself over.
Burnt ma Hawaiian pizza today
Shoulda cooked it on aloha temperature
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.