The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
*praying for world peace*
God:
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
is this how new cars are made??
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required