@eedrk

ME: ppl call dogs “doggo” now. i guess its a meme, i dont get it
THERAPIST: this is $200/hr. do you want to talk about anything else?
ME: no

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@drayzze

Had a lizard walk up in front of me and start doing little push-ups

Like he’s trying to shame for not working out right now

@avxlanche

the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”

@AnkCoupleTO

Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody

@SondraDeeMe

Black bears smell up to 18 miles when hunting food.

I smell my neighbor’s barbecuing ribs and invite myself over.

It’s survival.

@aldomax_

Burnt ma Hawaiian pizza today

Shoulda cooked it on aloha temperature

@ermahgarton

According to my bank account, I’m Rich!

Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.

@DanMentos

me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS

@JimmerThatisAll

I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.