Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!

me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy

wife: maybe the two are related?

me: no, I think they’re just good friends

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.

What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?

I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene

A chilling warning for the old people in my village.

PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!

MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*

According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to

Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!

*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀

My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”

[working at a candle factory, day four]

ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going

If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.

Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.

Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.

Thyme. He meant thyme.

Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.

A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.

I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car

My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.

catch me on valentine’s day like

FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that

LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it

My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.

Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.

A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.

I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.

sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet

GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?

“Hygiene”

SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.