Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
You Might Also Like
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced