Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
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If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Stop it! 😂
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe