Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark

What if death gives you lemons?
What then??

One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”

My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!

Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?

Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…

I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.

Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.

[Baby shower]

Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.

A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.

Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?

Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…

Me: *loads nutrigun*

Cashier: What the heck?

Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.

Him: Do you swallow?

Me: Every time I chew.

Her: Undress me with your words…

Me: I saw a spider in your bra.

People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.

FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[taking my date for a walk in the woods]

HER: this sure is a dense forest

ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

*watches a movie with you*

*loudly beeps during all the good parts*

Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

Him: There’s one small piece left.

Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.

Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*

Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.

Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.

You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.

We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.

I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.

The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time

Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.

My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”