Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*

Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.

Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.

Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now

The Universe: hold my beer

I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.

Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…

*takes everything personally

Everyone: hey, give me that back!

[BOOPS nose]

COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.

I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.

What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:

“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”

Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!

Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?

Me: *jumps out the window*

Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased

sir, my pâté if you please

Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice

Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance

Kristoff: She is literally dying

Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.

Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”

When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks

I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.

I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.

“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.

Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.

Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.

Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.

I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.

Sign at work today

Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.