Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex

Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?

13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!

ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*

13YO: wut?

My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.

My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes

My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.

[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today

ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness

STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer

Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.

ME: my dog ate my homework

TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good

This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.

*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*

You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.

Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.

Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship

Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.

Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance

You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is

People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?

HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.

I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater

if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am

There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.

Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.

there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops

i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽

and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭

your elf on the shelf was delicious

Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.

I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older