ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
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me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Me: *buying bug spray* Is this good for ants?
Clerk: No. It kills them.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home
Pilgrim: What the hell is that?
Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.
– The first green bean casserole.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
[getting a retweet]
“I’VE BEEN PUBLISHED”
Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Split the bill
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No