ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
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If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.