When I take pictures of cheese I yell “SAY HUMANS!” and me and the cheese laugh and laugh and then I binge eat and cry.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
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I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
No thanks officer. I don’t even give strange men my phone number, and you’re asking for my license and registration.
I always imagined saving the planet would involve a silver jumpsuit and a sidekick robot, not separating glass and paper.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Stickiest things in the world:
1) Children’s library books
No matter what he’s talking about, bring the conversation back to your cat.
“I love to travel.”
“My cat’s an explorer.”
Do you ever think Mr. Whole is sick of tourism ads targeting his family?