@chuuew

ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]

[ever so slightly later]

ME: [dying from massive blood loss]

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@Mikecanrant

When I take pictures of cheese I yell “SAY HUMANS!” and me and the cheese laugh and laugh and then I binge eat and cry.

@desi_princess

No thanks officer. I don’t even give strange men my phone number, and you’re asking for my license and registration.

@Kamikaze_Blonde

I always imagined saving the planet would involve a silver jumpsuit and a sidekick robot, not separating glass and paper.

@markydoodoo

AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*

@ElgatoEsmio

Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.

What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.

@FatherWithTwins

Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books

@SilverCricket9

#HowToEscapeADate
No matter what he’s talking about, bring the conversation back to your cat.
“I love to travel.”
“My cat’s an explorer.”

@NickBossRoss

Do you ever think Mr. Whole is sick of tourism ads targeting his family?