@GrantTanaka

me: [praying]

priest: will the gentleman in the back please stop referring to our lord as “daddy”

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@GodlessUtopia

“I’m not usually religious, but…” – Dan Mintz

#LGBT #gayrights #equality #atheist
#ReligiousFreedom
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@TheAndrewNadeau

KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.

@iinkedZombie

Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”

@MissMalbec

– Are you upset?

Typing…

Typing…

Typing…

Typing…

– No.

@DothTheDoth

If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.

@Mr_Kapowski

Got a case for my iPhone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it’s like putting a condom on my kid’s head.

@LuvPug

The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.

@KeetPotato

technology has now advanced so far i can no longer tell the difference between people using hands-free earphones and people on drugs

@distracted_monk

Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.