Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
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“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
somebody come look at this
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
mood
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.