“I’m not usually religious, but…” – Dan Mintz
#LGBT #gayrights #equality #atheist
priest: will the gentleman in the back please stop referring to our lord as “daddy”
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KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
– Are you upset?
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Got a case for my iPhone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it’s like putting a condom on my kid’s head.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
technology has now advanced so far i can no longer tell the difference between people using hands-free earphones and people on drugs
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.