Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
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I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane