Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
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“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.