Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.

Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP

I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?

*turns off comments*

Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.

[interview]

So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?

Superman: Are you being serious right now?

my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting

If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.

If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.

friend: the bathroom is upstairs

me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*

ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars

HER: what’s it called

ME: sorry, no spoilers

“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know

therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms

me: hmmm *writes note*

therapist: what did you just write

me: doesn’t feel so great does it

A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good

What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”

[at restaurant]

me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.

waiter: what can i get you?

me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh

*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*

The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.

My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.

Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.

“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”

My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.

You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget

me: “why tf does my back hurt??”

also me:

*God invents corgis*

God: what ingredients do we have left

Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet

God: lol check this out

A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.

don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays

Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.

H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?

Me: … … … Yes.