Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.

feeling cute. might rob a bank later.

My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.

Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.

My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.

Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine

Me: Flirting is fun

Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.

Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.

If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.

Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit

#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.

My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.

My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her

[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down

Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.

Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.

love pickles so much i put myself in one

It’s on my to-do list.

Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.

WIFE: you need to stick to your budget

ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen

*glamorously folds laundry

*seductively wipes off countertops

*slowly bends over to pick up toys

*sexily trips over the cat…

Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.

me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches

them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*