Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
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why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
me before I type out affect or effect
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.