Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.

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my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting


He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath


90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.


[mouse wedding]

PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE


When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like


[Standing still for a picture]

I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.


I’m not saying I’m antisocial, but even when someone asks me how I’m doing I just tell them to Google it.


You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?

Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.


Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.


Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”