Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
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Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
😎 🍻
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.