Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Could you be dehydrated?

Me: Of course not.

W: How much water have you had?

Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.

W: Wow.

Me: Told you.

Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar

Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.

GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.

Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.

[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired

Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…

…18 if you’re obnoxious.

“I do law stuff” – attorney general

“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific

Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes

Optometrist: I am please stop talking

*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”

As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.

Easy enough.

since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.

[First Date]

Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever

Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.

Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.

3: I’m adding another option!

Me: *

*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.

“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.

Netflix: Should I play this movie?

Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second

Netflix: I’ll put it on

Me: I’m just literally reading what it is

Netflix: It’s playing 🙂

*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth

YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…

Oh

HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern

Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?

Wife: Oh god

Me: They study algae, brah!

Judge: Divorce granted

[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]

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Interior designer.

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.