Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose

why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.

I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.

Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.

My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.

Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.

Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it

a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink

that’s it. that’s the punch line

Thursday

“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night

I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh

“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”

still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.

all the leaves are brown

and this guy is greg

My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it

Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?

Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle

Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*

Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!

As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.

professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism

me: I guess I don’t have a choice

professor: great job

me: what

Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette

I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”

sure, why not

never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).

You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV

An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”

Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick

The End

(car shopping w/ teenage son)

Me: What do you think about this one?

Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.

Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.

Bit chilly again tonight.