me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
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Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Ugh
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Perfect
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.