me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
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[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful
I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
A McRib killed my tapeworm.