me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
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The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!