me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
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I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito