me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
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For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.