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@FredTaming: me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
@iGreenMonk: *Neighbor text - Sorry for using your wife. Use only when you're not at home*
*Neighbor text again - I mean 'Wifi' not wife*
@tastefactory: VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That's Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
@JediGigi: This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it's really starting to piss me off.
@GreenSmoke_: My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
@kimtopher22: Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It's nice to hear the smoke alarm again.