I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
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Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”