Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
You Might Also Like
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
no one:
not a soul:
my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Mike is short for Micycle
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Me trying to walk in a dream
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.