Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou

adam and eve had first world problems

What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?

If you breakdance you buy dance.

Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson

Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.

Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space

Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later

This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*

I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.

911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY

this is 10/10 content no notes

me: it’s our third date, you know what this means

him: *confidently* I think I do

me: *saves his number in my contacts*

i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.

[courtroom]

me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ

judge: pardon?

me: omg thank you

Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet

shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch

Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.

you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right

[after dinner]

Me: I can’t eat another bite.

Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*

Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.

siri google “syrian rebels good or bad?”

siri google “syrian rebels: which side?”

siri google “syrian rebels cool photos”

siri google “syria where that is”

[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”

If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”

[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther

I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.

If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.

Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.