Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%

Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back

Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]

*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble

(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)

Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”

I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.

Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*

That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.

My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.

if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me

date: what turns you on?

me: cartoon superhero movies

date: [laughing] incredible

me: yah that’s my go to

I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.

Me: NO!

Him: What? I haven’t even said anything

Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to

Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*

dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash

Where the hell are all the scissors?!

– a parenting memoir

God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark

Noah: what’s wrong?

God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes

Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy

Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time

Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly

you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??

The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.

In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.

I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.

Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor

Airport security:…

Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.

If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.

*discovering a dead body*

Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?

Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.

Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right

#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.

Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro

love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.