Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every day Stephen King and I both:

1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet

My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.

prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo

all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage

A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away

The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.

Get real…

The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.

Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.

why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free

Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is

wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

Airport: come like 3 hours early

Ok what gate do I go to

Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫

911: What’s your emergency?

“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”

911: Are you flirting?

“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”

I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”

My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.

Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’

Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.

I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.

He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous

ODE TO TWITTER

🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶

On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore

*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler

thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

what’s some good heavy machinery to operate under the influence for a beginner

How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?