I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
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I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
I love the National Park Service.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Meanwhile in Portland…