Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes

would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this

Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.

These are so Plastic Man-core

oh u like me? name 5 meds i take

Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!

Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?

TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller

[amazon dropping off my order]

Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!

Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!

Me:

Cat: Tomato Tomahto

recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is

I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!

Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift

Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”

*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately

Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”

Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”

Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?

Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup

me: dogs have 4 legs

her:

me: so do tables

her: ok

me: so dogs are tables

her: no

me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen

imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck

Untitled Goose Monstress

Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa

we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi

Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward

My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.

Thinking about having kids?

Buy a plant.

If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.

me: I need to borrow a math textbook

librarian: edition?

me: and subtraction if you have it

My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal

Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.

I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me

I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.

I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog