Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
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If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Brb my Sims are getting married
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen